Letter 18; a person is a place...
and not all places are the same...
Hi Reader!
How are you today? I’ve been good. Lately I’ve been seeing a lot of people who are unapologetically themselves, and it has been quite refreshing to my soul.
The other day I happened to be walking in an unfamiliar place, and was ill at ease with my surroundings. For one, I did not know my way around. It also didn’t look like I was going to find what I was there for. I was understandably in a hurry to get out.
But a few minutes later, everything changed. I began to hear a familiar piece of music. It was a popular afrobeats song (I think that song might be a little too popular. Bonus points if you can guess the song). Immediately I heard the song, I felt more comfortable. I settled into a rhythm, walking along to the beat. It almost felt nice. Almost.
Some time after that, I found myself at an intimate gathering of friends. The vast majority of attendees were people who had grown up together. I am strongly connected to someone who is more strongly connected to one of them. So my connection to the larger group was loose at best. Being the introvert that I am, I stayed in the background, lighting up when I heard a familiar piece of music.
Somehow, the music made me feel more present and alive. I was no longer just watching, I was an active participant in everything. It almost seemed like the music was a friend in a place where I knew almost no one.
Have you ever been by yourself in a place and seen a friend suddenly show up?
You see how lovely it is? I’ve started thinking about it. Recently I have started to view relationships as spaces. The same way different rooms evoke different feelings because of the memories they hold, different people evoke different feelings because of what the emotional space we share carries. That’s why we get excited when we see some people, and anxious when we see others.
It’s also why we reserve certain parts of ourselves for certain people. Some people are more ‘home’ than others. I’ve been fortunate to have a number of relationships that feel like a home of sorts. To be able to say what is on your mind freely, with abandon and without fear of being judged. To know that every conflict is only a stepping stone to a deeper intimacy because you will overcome everything that threatens to tear you apart. To have an unshakeable faith in another person’s goodness, despite their imperfections, and to have that faith reciprocated.
And the funny thing is that, in all cases, it was built, from scratch.
Does that mean I have to build every relationship from scratch? (bro it honestly sounds stressful).
Unfortunately that appears to be the case. Fortunately, the work of building relationships often doesn’t feel like building. It’s in the conversations, and remembering random things, and in the being-theres, and the showing of care, and everything compounds and you have a friend (this is also why it’s easier to make friends with people when you go to the same school, church, gym, etc).
And like everything that is built, it is easier to tear down than it is to build it. That’s why I find it absurd to envy the friendships and relationships of others. I have no idea of what people have been through and overcome together - how much building, how much repair. I can’t even envy them. Perhaps if it was I, I would have given up.
As I’ve grown I have developed a greater appreciation for people who know how to relate with others. It seems basic, but the state of the world reveals that many of us can’t really do it like that. And as a work in progress myself, I’m reminded of all the ways that I can do better. As a recipient of an unbelievable amount of grace, I guess I have to give it too.
Have a lovely week!
Best,
Nana
P.S.
This week’s piece of art is Claude Debussy’s Clair de lune from Suite bergamasque played by Menahem Pressler.