Letter 11; Inspiration and Deprivation
about attraction...
Dear Reader,
How are you? I hope you’re doing okay. There’s so much happening on the news that weighs on the mind, but I hope your mind isn’t weighed down by it. I hope you still have hope.
Let’s talk about love will we? Finally! I did promise to write about love, but haven’t really gotten round to doing it. Anyway, when I talk about love, I’m talking about the entire spectrum, from the familial, to the romantic. I think romantic love is placed on a kind of pedestal these days that takes attention away from the other versions of love. Take the concept of soulmates for example. It’s almost always described in the romantic sense, but I believe I have evidence that platonic soulmates exist. How else do you explain a friend that feels like you knew them before birth, that understands you really well, and that just gets it. Some friendships so exceptional that the appropriate term would be ‘soulmate’.
So yes let’s look at love in the broader sense.
I think love is the most amazing thing. To me, it’s seeing another person as a part of yourself, but also honouring their God-given difference. And it’s one of the highest expressions of humanity, so it’s so important that we love people. But in finding people to love, we often find ourselves more drawn to some than to others.
Sometimes we are attracted to people because they make us feel good about ourselves, and they see the light in us and acknowledge it. Some people seem to have a gift for bringing out the best in us, loving us just as we are (even though we are far from perfect). Theirs is a healing kind of love, the kind of love that makes you doubt your self-doubt and makes you believe that you can do anything. The love that believes all things. The best part about such people is that you don’t have to do much to get their approval. Your very existence is enough. They love that you exist, and that you are who you are. They love you truly, and they love you so much that they hold you accountable and have high standards and expectations for you. I consider such people an extension of God’s love in human form.
With such people, the attraction you feel towards them is an attraction of inspiration. The positive traits that they display draw you closer to them, and often inspire you to be a better person yourself. (Toni Tone explained how they make you want to be better here - well from the romantic perspective, but it applies in every situation too).
And then sometimes we’re attracted to another group of people. These people are perplexing, saying one thing and doing another. With time a pattern emerges; their love is earned, always. There is always one more thing to do to earn their approval, and even then, the approval does not last long. One has to work and work and work, and work some more. One has to be perfect, and then some. To get the bare minimum from them, you’d have to do the maximum.
They’re not always horrible people. But they are not good for us. They cause anxiety, self-doubt and self-betrayal to skyrocket. And while we may have some really good times with them, a brutally honest analysis of their overall contributions to our lives would reveal that their presence is a net negative.
But sometimes we’re inexplicably drawn to these people. Why? It’s because our attraction to them is an attraction of deprivation.
Our relationships with others often mirror our relationships with ourselves. When we believe we are unworthy, and unloveable, it’s difficult to let go of people who reinforce that belief. And then they do things that cause us to react in unfortunate ways, which causes us to believe that we must be unworthy and unloveable.
When we believe that we are unworthy and unloveable, we also shy away from the people who believe that we are worthy and loveable. And it may not even be a conscious thing. But if you subconsciously believe that you do not deserve a certain level of love and devotion, you wouldn’t dare accept it, even if it is offered with no strings attached. Or worse, you might actually sabotage it.
We cannot choose our family (to a large extent), but we do have a say in all our other relationships. And so we can settle for attractions of deprivation, or we can cultivate the attractions of inspiration that help us to grow and to thrive. Ultimately the choice is ours.
A couple of questions we can ask ourselves
What sorts of relationships do I want?
What sorts of relationships do I have? How do I bridge the gap?
Do I have attractions of inspiration in my life? If yes, how do I cultivate them? If no, then why?
Do I have attractions of deprivation in my life? If yes, then how do I starve them?
Do I struggle to let go of relationships? What part of me is triggered by the thought of letting people go?
Cheers to more attractions of inspiration! Have a beautiful week!
Best,
Nana
P. S.
You know I would not leave you without something artistic. So here’s a song about love, called Love, from Andy Mineo’s 2015 album Uncomfortable. Okay byeeee!